Tearful Mommy

i want to send homemade sugar cookies
i picture him arriving here in Alvin to do the polo clinic next month
i want to think that he's out there in huntington getting up each morning and going to work at cintas
fighting a bit of traffic, but smiling through it
i want to believe he's laughing with friends listening to music or telling stupid jokes
i want to plan my trips over the school year to include going out to see Ben
each morning i wake up, i must deal with reality and most days i just want to pretend
that he's alive and well on planet earth with the rest of us
no way is this real
noway is he gone

Our belief is that heaven is a better place
yes, for those there
then there's the rest of us here trying to figure it all out
i want to be in heaven with Ben
i believe it's much easier than being here without him
guess i'm just having a bad day
a bit down
hard to force a smile
angry that i didn't see him thursday and that he didn't make the graduation of his brother
guess i'm just down
and ya know what
i'm staying there for a while
i don't want anyone bringing me up, making me laugh or trying to candy coat anything
i just want to cry and cry i will
i love my Ben more than life itself
nothing i do today or tomorrow will change this
peace??? Not today, not now